Woman-Speak

—You want = You want

—We need = I want

—It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

—Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later

—We need to talk = I need to complain

—Sure… go ahead = I don’t want you to.

—I’m hungry = (a) Make me something to eat (b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together your last $5, and go drive across town and get me something to eat. —I don’t care if what you are doing is important.

—I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron.

—You’re … so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

—You’re certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?

—I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’m on my period.

—Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.

—This kitchen is so…inconvenient = I want a new house.

—The car is empty = Go fill it up

—The trash is full = Take it out

—The dog is barking = Go outside in your underwear and see what is wrong

—I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…..

—I need wedding shoes = The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

—Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

—I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

—Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.

—How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.

—I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

—Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.

—You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

—Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead.

—Please walk me home = Let’s go make out.

—It’s all right, dear. = You’ll pay for this.

—Yes = No

—No = No

—Maybe = No

—I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.

—Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get use to it.

—Was that the baby ? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

—I’m not yelling ! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

—All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOSH there’s a sale in lingerie, and wouldn’t these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

In response to "What’s Wrong?":

—The same old thing. = Nothing.

—Nothing. = Everything.

—Everything. = My PMS is acting up.

—Nothing, really. = It’s just that you’re such an _.

—I don’t want to talk about it. = Go away, I’m still building up steam.

—What makes you think there is something wrong? = I’m going to kill you.