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Newspaper Follies

Categories: Bloopers / Out of Context
Added: Fri Apr 06 06:00:00 -0600 2001Views: 6,639
Rating: - (0 votes)
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Submitted by humor-source
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are misprints or poorly worded phrases that have been printed in actual
news papers:

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served
by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
large drawers

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair
to take home, too

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully
by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale — Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

"If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere
Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de
la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds,
and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that
lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals,
and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll
never go anywhere again.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue
Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to
growth of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore—unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home
for $1.00

wanted, somebody to go back in time with. This is not a joke. You’ll
get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety
not garanteed. I have only done this once before.

Wanted: Used Paint

Feces won’t close pool for a day again.

Canned Kitten

EPA might restrict amounts of weed killer in tap water.

Six men, their faces covered with red bandanas, got out of a Cherokee
carrying a knife, baseball bat, billy club, and rolling pin, said
Davis, 20. I knew when I saw the rolling pin that something bad
was going down, Davis said.

Free: farm kittens, ready to eat

Jello brand toilet tissue, regular, sugar free, fat free.

Fireproof clothing factory burns to ground

Oatmeal rasin cookies: Ingredients- ham, water, pasturized cheese,
salt, dried whey

Lost cat, last seen at the Park County Rod & Gun Club Shooting

Air board to study fast food emmisions.

Fedral agents raid gun shop, find weapons.

Main Street Pizza: we deliver, or pick up

Lose All your weight: Only $49.00

State prisons to replace easy open locks

Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs
from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport
hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend
in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting
beer cans off each other’s head.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons,
setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

Homossassa, FL. A man went into a hardware store to apply for a
job. After completing his application he then went to the section
of the store that sold guns. He asked to see a couple guns. The
attendent left for a moment and the guy stole the guns. Not only
was he video-taped, the police used the address on his application
to go to his house and arrest him.

Grandmother of eight makes hole in one

Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

House passes gas tax onto senate

Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan

Two convicts evade noose, jury hung

Prostitutes appeal to Pope

Panda mating fails – veterinarian takes

NJ judge to rule on nude beach

Child’s stool great for use in garden Soviet virgin lands short
of goal again

Eye drops off shelf

Squad helps dog bite victim

Never withhold herpes from loved one

Autos killing 110 a day, let’s resolve to do

If strike isn’t settled quickly it may last a

Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency

Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn’t seen in years

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Latest Comments
Poop Head
Oct 27, 08:52
Somebody must have passed out!
Please Stop Giving Me Tickets!
Aug 30, 05:30
Yeah, I'm sure that'll change the cop's mind.
Boredom at Walmart
Jun 8, 16:48
ha ha

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