In honor of the opening of the World Cup, I forward the following from
our correspondent in Paris, Bart Edes:
"The following advisory for American travellers heading for
France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department,
the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the
Food and Drug Administration, the Centres for Disease Control, and
some very expensive spy satellites that the French don’t know about.
It is intended as a guide for American travellers only. No guarantee
of accuracy is ensured or intended.
General overview: France is a medium-sized foreign country
situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of
the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks.
It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations
of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping.
France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre
and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilisation
are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine. Although France
likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is
little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food.
One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people
wilfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English
if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all
times.
The People: France has a population of 54 million people,
most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics,
are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently
in line. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental,
proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good
points.
Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly
guess it from their behaviour. Many people are communists, and topless
sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls’ names like Marie,
and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travellers
are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colourful
trousers for easier mutual recognition.
Safety: In general, France is a safe destination, though
travellers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by
Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once
and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased
difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life
for the visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting
France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in
recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.
History: France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark
Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots,
Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President
for many years and is now an airport.
Government: The French form of government is democratic
but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always
result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is
divided into regions, departments, districts’ municipalities, cantons,
communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles. Parliament consists
of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they
are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists
or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament’s
principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South
Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to
the most current State Department intelligence, the President now
is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at
this time.
Culture: The French pride themselves on their culture, though
it is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they
have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything
but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than
a French novel (except, perhaps, an evening with a French family
-ha! ha! ha!).
Cuisine: Let’s face it, no matter how much garlic you put
on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants,
on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most
Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travellers are advised
to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and
Holiday Inn.
Economy: France has a large and diversified economy, second
only to Germany’s in Europe, which is surprising because people
hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling
over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their
lorries and tractors. France’s principal exports, in order of importance
to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles,
champagne, high-calibre weaponry, grenade launchers, landmines,
tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
Public holidays: France has more holidays than any other
nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints’
days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days,
54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed
Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back
from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World
is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb
Day January 12), the Feast of St Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1),
and National Guillotine Day (November 12).
Conclusion: France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque
and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would
be a very nice country if it weren’t inhabited by French people.
The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.
A word of warning: The consular services of the United States
government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests
of American businesses such as McDonald’s, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola
Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a crime or
serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to
the American Embassy between the hours of 5.15 am and 5.20 am on
a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely
indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists
or something similarly useless.
Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always
take our holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well.
Thank you and good luck."
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