1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say,
“I’m so glad you asked, because no one
these days seems to care, and I have all these
problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes
are sore, my dog just died…”
3. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask
them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the
company name. Then ask them where it is located, how
long it has been in business, how many people work there,
how they got into this line of work, are they maried?,
kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or
questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male:
Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with
XYZ Company…”
You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice
ask, “What are you wearing?”
5. Cry out in surprise,”Judy! Is that you? Oh my God!
Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give
Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to
figure out where the hell she could know you from.
6. Say “No”, over and over. Be sure to vary the sound
of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as
they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you
can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family
and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as
you can, “I don’t have any friends… would you be
my friend?”
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out
blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about
HUMAN blood?
9. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to
marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that
you could not just give your credit card number to
a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same
company, they often can’t sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a
Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream,
“Oh my God!!!” and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and
ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME
phone number so you can call him/her back. When
the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot
give out their HOME numbers you say “I guess
you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?”
The Telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me, either!”
Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would
please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while
you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food
loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on “home incarceration”
and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, “Okay, I will listen to you. But
I should probably tell you, I’m not wearing any clothes.”
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing
a joke. “Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon,
how’s your momma?”
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need
to speak up… louder… louder…louder…
20. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want
to write EVERY WORD down.
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