TAOISM: Shit happens.
CONFUCIANISM: Confucious says, “Shit happens.”
BUDDHISM: If shit happens, it isn’t really shit.
HINDUISM: This shit has happened before.
PROTESTANTISM: If shit happens, it happens to someone else.
CATHOLICISM: If shit happens, you deserved it.
JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to US?
ISLAM: If shit happens, kill the person(s) responsible.
EXISTENTIALISM: Shit doesn’t happen; shit is.
JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES: No shit happens until Armaggedon.
SECULAR HUMANISM: Shit evolves.
REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate?
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: When shit doesn’t happen, don’t call a doctor—pray.