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Bart Simpson's Blackboard Quotations

Categories: Miscellaneous
Added: Thu Jun 28 06:00:00 +0000 2001Views: 6,574
Rating: - (0 votes)
Bar Talk 101Baseball vs. Football >
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Episode numbers indicate the blackboard scene used when the episode was shown for the first time; in some cases, the one used in Canada is listed where it was “original” and the USA one was repeated.


Note that all quotes were originally in all capital letters, but any punctuation appears as it did in the original quotes


Openings are listed in the order in which they were first shown. If an episode is not listed, either it did not have a blackboard quote the first time it was shown, or it used a repeated opening


“x” after an episode number indicates it took place during the episode
“*” indicates a note:

7G02 I will not waste chalk


7G03 I will not skateboard in the halls


7G04 I will not burp in class


7G06 I will not instigate revolution


7G09 I will not draw naked ladies in class


7G07 I did not see Elvis


7G10 I will not call my teacher “Hot Cakes”


7G13 Garlic gum is not funny


7G12 They are laughing at me, not with me


7G01 I will not yell “Fire” in a crowded classroom


7F03 I will not encourage others to fly


7F03x I will not fake my way through life


7F02 Tar is not a play thing


7F01 I will not Xerox my butt


7F01* It’s potato, not potatoe (This was used for the second airing, a reference to Dan Quayle’s gaff while visiting a school)


7F05 I will not trade pants with others


7F08* I am not a 32 year old woman (To put it another way, Nancy Cartwright is not a 10-year-old boy)


7F07 I will not do that thing with my tongue


7F06 I will not drive the principal’s car


7F09 I will not pledge allegiance to Bart


7F10* I will not sell school property (Also used in 7F14 – the only episode so far to use a “repeated” blackboard opening in its first showing)


7F11* I will not cut corners (It actually looks like this:


I WILL NOT CUT CORNERS
" " " " " "
" " " " " ")


7F12 I will not get very far with this attitude


7F13 I will not make flatulent noises in class


7F15 I will not belch the National Anthem


7F16 I will not sell land in Florida


7F17 I will not grease the monkey bars


7F18 I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment


7F20 I will not do anything bad ever again


7F21* I will not show off (This was written in an “Olde English”-style font)


7F22 I will not sleep through my education


7F24 I am not a dentist


8F01 Spitwads are not free speech


7F23 Nobody likes sunburn slappers


8F03 High explosives and school don’t mix


8F03x I will not bribe Principal Skinner


8F04* I will not squeak chalk (Bart squeaks the chalk while writing this)


8F05* I will finish what I star (This appears on one line; the rest is blank)


8F06 “Bart Bucks” are not legal tender


8F08 Underwear should be worn on the inside


8F09 The Christmas Pageant does not stink


8F10 I will not torment the emotionally frail


8F11 I will not carve gods


8F14 I will not spank others


8F13 I will not aim for the head


8F15* I will not barf unless I’m sick (Lisa has a blackboard punishment of sorts during the episode; she has to clap erasers)


8F15x I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty


8F17 I saw nothing unusual in the teacher’s lounge


8F19 I will not conduct my own fire drills


8F20 Funny noises are not funny


8F22 I will not snap bras


8F23 I will not fake seizures


8F24 This punishment is not boring and pointless


8F18 My name is not Dr. Death


9F01* I will not defame New Orleans (New Orleans complained about the opening song in “Oh, Streetcar!”)


9F02 I will not prescribe medication


9F03* I will not bury the new kid (During the episode, Marge wrote “I will try to raise a better child”)


9F05 I will not teach others to fly


9F06 I will not bring sheep to class


9F07 A burp is not an answer


9F08 Teacher is not a leper


9F09* Coffee is not for kids (Each line becomes less and less legible; the last line is a scrawl)


9F10 I will not eat things for money


9F11 I will not yell “She’s Dead” at roll call


9F12 The principal’s toupee is not a Frisbee


9F13 I will not call the principal “spud head”


9F14 Goldfish don’t bounce


9F15 Mud is not one of the 4 food groups


9F17 No one is interested in my underpants


9F16 I will not sell miracle cures


9F18 I will return the seeing-eye dog


9F20 I do not have diplomatic immunity


9F19 I will not charge admission to the bathroom


9F21* I will never win an Emmy (This was the first episode after 1992-93 Emmy nominations were announced, the first time the show was eligible for “Best Comedy Series”, but it wasn’t nominated (the show has won “Best Animated Show” Emmys in the past)


9F22 The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy


1F07* All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy (This was not written “line by line” like the others)


1F08 I will not say “Springfield” just to get applause


1F09 I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers


1F11* My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man (A reference to “The Fugitive”)


1F10 I will not go near the kindergarten turtle


1F14 I am not deliciously saucy


1F15 Organ transplants are best left to the professionals


1F16 The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan


1F18* I will not celebrate meaningless milestones (This was first used for the 100th new episode)


1F19 There are plenty of businesses like show business


1F21 I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball


1F20 Five days is not too long to wait for a gun


1F22 Beans are neither fruit nor musical


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