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Lawyer Jokes - One-Liners

Categories: Professions
Added: Mon Jul 09 06:00:00 +0000 2001Views: 17,824
Rating: 5.00 (1 vote)
Lawyer CharityLawyers & Clients >
Submitted by humor-source
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What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Your honor.

What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
Senator.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick stops draining you and drops off after you’re dead.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the
road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a skunk?
Nobody wants to hit a skunk.

Why won’t vultures eat dead lawyers?
There are some things that would gag even a vulture.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
or
Vultures can’t take their wing tips off.

What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.

Why do behavioral scientists prefer lawyers to rats for their experiments?
1) there are more of the lawyers to work with,
2) lawyers are more expendable,
3) lawyers do more harm to society than rats,
4) lab assistants are less likely to develop a bond or feel sympathy for lawyers,
5) rats arouse more feelings of compassion and humanity,
6) lawyers multiply faster,
7) rats have an innate right to life and liberty,
8) animal rights groups will not object to a lawyers’ torture,
9) rats have more dignity, and
10) there are some things even a rat won’t do.

What is the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory
experiments?
It’s harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.

Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.

How can you tell there’s an afterlife for lawyers?
Because after they die, they lie still.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No. (Good!)

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.

What’s the strongest argument against both theories of origin?
Politicians and lawyers.
Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species?

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of
them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can’t understand.

What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One’s a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other’s a fish.

What is the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish?
One’s slimy and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.

How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
When your lawyer doesn’t seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a Dalmatian?
A Dalmatian knows when to stop chasing the ambulance.

What does molds, ooze, and lawyers have in common?
They’re all slime.

What do slime molds have more of than lawyers?
Respect.

Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To get to the car accident on the other side.

Why do lawyers carry their certification on their dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped parking; it’s proof of a moral disability.

What would happen if you lock a cannibal in a room full of lawyers?
He would starve to death.

Why didn’t the circus clown feel so bad about his career?
At least he wasn’t a lawyer.

What is the difference between baseball and law?
In baseball, if you’re caught stealing, you’re out.

Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met.

Why do lawyers never take their cats to the beach?
Their cats keep trying to bury them with sand.

What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

What is the difference between yogurt and the American Bar Association?
Yogurt has culture.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.

Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste
dumps?
New Jersey got to pick first.

Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
Because people could not tell which side to spit on.

What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before the
criminal gets arrested?
An accomplice.

What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the
criminal gets arrested?
A lawyer.

What’s the problem with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and no one else thinks they’re jokes.


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Latest Comments
Poop Head
Oct 27, 08:52
Somebody must have passed out!
Please Stop Giving Me Tickets!
Aug 30, 05:30
Yeah, I'm sure that'll change the cop's mind.
Boredom at Walmart
Jun 8, 16:48
ha ha
more...


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