So you want to be a messiah?
You see all the big bucks, hot chicks, smokin’ guns, and great publicity that cult leaders are getting these days, and you want in on the action. Well, now starting with your own cult is as easy as A-B-C. Just complete the three steps below, register with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and you’re on your way to infamy.
A. SELECT BELIEFS
1. Divinity Options:
a. I am God
b. You are God
c. The table is God
d. God is elected annually by a majority vote and gets executive washroom privileges
e. There is no God, but if He shows up at a party, He doesn’t have to chip in for the beer
2. Holy Scripture Options:
a. The King James Bible
b. Every word you utter
c. Every third word from Lewis Grizzard columns
d. Automatic writings by Cyndi Lauper
e. The B sides of Tony Orlando and Dawn singles
3. What Defines Sin:
a. Conscience enlightened by Holy Spirit
b. Miss Manners columns
c. Miss October’s list of favorite things
d. Democratic Party platform
e. Merriam-Webster
4. Eschatological Options:
a. Christ will return on specified date
b. Christ will usher in the New Age
c. Christ returned during first commercial break in the 777th “MA*SH” rerun
d. Christ will return and force your brother-in-law to return your power drill
e. The 1,000-year reign will be leased out on a time-share basis
5. Membership Criteria:
a. Conversion and baptism
b. Letter of endorsement from God (see #1—Divinity Options)
c. Pastel aura (earth tones optional)
d. Prison record (three felonies or more)
e. Frontal lobotomy
6. Armament Options:
a. The sword of the Word
b. A slingshot and five smooth stones
c. Conventional weapons
d. Nuclear arsenal
e. A 25-lb. bag of pinto beans and a flatulent teenager
7. Money Options:
a. Vow of poverty
b. Vow of opulence
c. All members share from common fund
d. Leader shares; members watch
e. Print your own
8. Diet Options:
a. Herbivorous
b. Carnivorous
c. Fried-liverous
d. Sticks, dirt, and small pebbles
e. Endangered species list
9. Attire Options:
a. Circa 1820
b. Circa 2100
c. The Sharper Image catalogue
d. Frederick’s of Hollywood catalogue
e. Sans
10. Sex Options:
a. Abstinence
b. Abstinence…except for you
c. Polygamy
d. Monogamy with an adultery option on weekends
e. Acts between consenting species
B. CALCULATE MEDIA POINTS
Assign media points to your new cult according to the following table and calculate a total.
| OPTION |
MEDIA POINTS |
| a |
0 |
| b |
3 |
| c |
5 |
| d |
7 |
| e |
10 |
TOTAL POINTS MEDIA EXPOSURE
00-10.....................The 700 Club
11-20.................Baptist Standard
21-30.............Local shopping paper
31-40............Good Morning, America
41-50.....................Network news
51-60........................Nightline
61-70.......................60 Minutes
71-80........................Hard Copy
81-90................National Enquirer
91-100....................The 700 Club
C. SELECT NAME
Choose one or more words from column A and one word from column B to create a name for your new cult.
| A |
B |
| UNIVERSAL |
ELECT |
| GOODIE |
TWO-SHOES |
| OFFICIAL |
CHOSEN SEVERAL |
| REFORMED |
NIT PICKERS |
| ELECTED |
(YOUR NAME)-IANS |
| HARMONIC |
FAIRY-SEES |
| GLASSY-EYED |
WAY |
| ENLIGHTENED |
PATH |
| RECESSIVE |
REMNANT |
| ROCKIN’ |
SIN SLAPPERS |
RSS
