* One-star hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep
last night was a mere disco nap, which is giving you a whole
lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink
10 soft drinks and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are
craving a cheeseburger and a side of fries.
* Two-star hangover
No pain. Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay
but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.
The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating
your rumbling gut, which is craving a fresh and fruity pancake
breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and
even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you
are costing your employer valuable money because all you really
can handle is surfing the Internet and writing junk e-mails.
Three-star hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are
definitely a space shot and so not productive. Anytime a girl/guy
walks by, you gag because her/his perfume/BO reminds you of
the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after
the bouncer kicked you out at 3:45am. Life would be better
right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and
a litre of Coke watching Good Morning Australia with
crater face. You’ve had four cups of coffee, a jug of water,
two sausage rolls and a litre of Diet Coke – yet you haven’t
peed once.
* Four-star hangover
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can’t
speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already
lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for
reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide
the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls,
it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper
cars), your teeth are brown, your eyes look like one big vein
and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the
class picture of Revere High, ‘76. You would walk over your
mother for one or all of the following:
1. The clock to strike 6pm.
2. The entire appetiser list from Smorgy’s.
3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out
the night before.
Five-tar hangover (aka Dante’s 4th Circle of Hell).
You have a second heartbeat in your head which
is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube.
Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth
from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You’d
cry, but that would take the last of the moisture left in
your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn’t
even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog
just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called
in sick because, let’s face it, all you can manage to do is
bitch about your state – which is a mystery to you because
you definitely don’t remember who you were with, where you
were and what you drank. The only thing you can do is pass
out. It’s when you wake up a few hours later with a lesser-star
hangover that you eat a large pizza, a ham and cheese omelette
and a batch of Rice Krispie treats.
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