“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” — Henny Youngman.
“Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bycicle repair kit.” — Billy Conolly.
“A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get ‘Scent of a Woman’. Her husband came back with a ‘Fish Called Wanda’.”
“The phrase ‘rule of thumb’ is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.”
“There’s only two things about me that my wife doesn’t care for:
1) everything I say, and
2) everything I do.”
“Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don’t ?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.”
“Q: Why do men usually die before their wives ?
A: Because they want to.”
“A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once.”
“Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.”
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married ?”
And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying”.
Young Son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her ?”
Dad: “That happens in every country, son.”
“They say that breaking up is hard to do — but it’s much easier with a restraining order and a rotweiler.” — Dakota Shepard.
“I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”
The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
“It is a woman’s business to get married as soon as possible, and a man’s to keep unmarried as long as he can.” — George Bernard Shaw (1856—1950), Irish dramatist and critic.
“For others who may not know this: when the preacher says, ‘You may now kiss the bride’, he’s only speaking to the groom.” — David Gunter.
“If you don’t beat your wife every three days, she’ll start tearing up roof tiles.” — Chinese saying.
“Make love, not war. I’m married, I do both.”
“Bigamy ? It’s having one wife too much…
...Monogamy ? It’s the same.” — Oscar Wilde.
“Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters are written in prose.” — Beverley Nichols.
“Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds can get you shot.”
“Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener !”
“My husband and I married for better or worse — He couldn’t do better and I couldn’t do worse.”
“You never truly know a woman ‘til you meet her in court.”
“An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” — Agatha Christie (1891—1976), British detective-story writer.
“For others who may not know this: When the preacher says ‘You may now kiss the bride’, he’s only speaking to the groom.” — David Gunter.
“Life is a bitch, then you marry one.”
“The most common form of marriage proposal: ‘YOU’RE WHAT !?’”
“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” — Mignon McLaughlin.
“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield.
“A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor.
“I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can’t be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn’t happened. But weddings always make me cry.” — Brendan Behan (1923-64) Irish playwright.
“Ah, yes, ‘divorce’. From the Latin for ‘having your genitals torn off through your wallet’.” — Robin Williams.
“My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.”
“Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy ?
A: Two Mother-in-law.”
First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel !”
Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
“How do most men define marriage ?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.”
“Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.”
“Three rings of marriage: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.”
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” — George Burns.
“Marriage is for women the commonest mode of livelihood, and the total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution.” — Bertrand Russell (1872—1970), British philosopher, Marriage and Morals.
“Q: How do most men define marriage ?
“A: A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.”
“The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.”
“Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn’t, they be married too.” — H. L. Mencken.
In California, there’s a 6-month waiting period for filing for divorce, but only a 15-day waiting period for buying a handgun. It’s nice to know the government is giving us advice on how to work out our problems.” — Matt Sullivan.
“Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.”
“If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.” — Alan King.
“I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor.
“Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.” — Jim Backus.
“It is best for ordinary men to have only one wife !” — Emperor Akbar the Great of India (1542-1605) who had 300 wives and 5000 concubines.
“Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.” — Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
“Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.” — Professor Irwin Corey.
“Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.” — Evelyn Hendrickson.
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers.” — Richard Pryor.
“Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them.” — Sydney Smith.
“Adam & Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married… and she didn’t have to hear about how well his Mother cooked.”
“My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she’s cut out entirely.” — Rodney Dangerfield.
“My wife was in labor with our first child for thirty-two hours and I was faithful to her the whole time.” — Jonathan Katz.
“Q: What food sucks 80% of the sex drive from a woman ?
A: The wedding cake.”
“They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That’s not as bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death.”
“By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” — Socrates.
“I still miss my Ex, But my aim is getting better” — Bumper sticker.
“Many men owe their success to their first wife… and their second wife to their success!” — Jim Backus.
“Terrorism? I don’t give a fuck: I’ve been married 2 years.” — Sam Kinison.
“I think that men who have a pierced ear are better prepared to be married: they are already acquainted with pain and have already bought jewels.” — Rita Rudner.
“If your really want your spouse to listen to you, talk in your sleep…”
“Marriage is the only war when you sleep with the enemy.”
“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Remarriage is the triumph of hope over experience…”
“During the first year of the wedding, put a quarter in a jar each time you make love. Then during the second year, take a quarter out each time you make love. At the end of the second year go to a good restaurant with what’s left…”
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