Irish Jokes

1.
O’Connell was staggering home with a small Paddy in his back pocket when he
slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running
down his leg.

“Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”

2.
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “what’ll you have?”

The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”

The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”

The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine——I just quit drinking.”

3.
Irish Stew

We’ve got our own recipe for Irish stew: Get some meat, some potatoes and a lot of Guinness Stout. Drink all of the beer. Forget about the stew.

4.
Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent’s hands. The
agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.
After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, “Have I got all you
say there?”

The agent said, Certainly ye have…Why do you ask?

Murphy replied, cancel the sale…its too good to part with.

5.
St. Patrick’s Skull
Bud Nelson, from New York; flew to Knock Airport in the west of Ireland on business. As he walked down the stairs from the plane onto the runway he noticed a small Irishman standing beside a long table with an assortment of Human Skulls.
“What are you doing?” asked the American.
“I’m selling skulls”, replied the Irishman.
“And what skulls do you have?” said Bud.
“Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!” said the Irishman.
“That’s great!” said Bud. “Give me some names!”
“Well!” said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. “That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that’s Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland…god bless his soul.”
“Sorry” said Bud, “But did you say St. Patrick?”
“That’s correct!” said the Irishman.
“I have to have that!” said Bud and paid him £50.00 in cash.
Bud flew back to New York and mounted his Skull on the wall in his Pub. People came from all over America to view this famous Skull. He made a fortune over a five-year period and retired a very rich man. During his retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland, the land that made him a fortune.
Bud flew back into Knock airport, and while walking down the stairs saw the same Irishman at the bottom of the stairs.
“God”, said Bud, “What are you doing?”
“I’m selling skulls”, replied the Irishman.
“And what skulls do you have today?” said Bud.
“Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!” said the Irishman.
“That’s great!” said Bud. “Give me some names!”
“Well!” said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. “That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that’s Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland…god bless his soul.”
“Sorry” said Bud, “But did you say St. Patrick?”
“That’s correct!” said the Irishman. “Well!” said Bud, I was here almost 7 years ago and you sold me a Skull a little bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then that the skull was St. Patrick.”
“Oh yes!” said the Irishman, “I remember you now! You see… This is St. Patrick when he was a boy!”

6.
Paddy and Mick were approaching a pub which had been destroyed by a bomb

only minutes before. As they passed, a head rolled out of the smoldering ruins

and across the pavement before them. Paddy stooped, picked it up and held it

for Mick to see.

Sure now Mick, isn’t this Sean Murphy?”

No, Paddy, no, it couldn’t be. It’s an amazin’ resemblance, but Murphy was

shorter than that.

7.
Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, “Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?”

Pat said, “Well, I have and I haven’t.”

His friend asked, “well what d’ye mean by that?”

Pat said, “It’s like this, y’see…I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan,
and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one
another…it was neither of us.”

8.
Well, Mrs. O’Connor, so you want a divorce? the solicitor questioned his
client. Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?

Oh, no, replied Mrs. O’Connor. Sure now, we only have a carport.

The solicitor tried again. Well, does the man beat you up?

No, no,” said Mrs. O’Connor, looking puzzled. I’m always first out of bed.

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. Well, does he go in for
unnatural connubial practices?

Sure now, he plays the flute, but I don’t think he knows anything about the
connubial.

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. What I’m trying to find out are what
grounds you have.

“Bless you, sir. We live in a flat—not even a window box, let alone

grounds. Mrs. O’Connor, the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, you need a
reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this
divorce?

Ah, well now, said the lady, Sure it’s because the man can’t hold an
intelligent conversation.

9.
As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena
shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where
before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night
went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child. In
the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her
work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know
what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she
did on stage.

She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she
went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged
ladies. They witnessed Lena’s acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the
other: “Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin’ out this
night, and me without me bloomers on!”

10.
SAINT PATRICK AND THE SERPENTS COPYRIGHT (c),
MARCH 1997, WILLIAM T. EDMONDS, Jr., ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Archeologist excavating in County Meath Ireland have recovered what they think is an original manuscript by St. Patrick dating back to 455 A.D. It was found near the famous Stone of Fal on Tara Hill, the spot where St. Patrick was welcomed back to Ireland by one of the great Celtic kings.
The ancient parchment manuscript is believed to be the oldest written Christian text ever recovered in Ireland. It is estimated to be the most valuable find in the 20-year research project since the discovery of the Tara Brooch in the same area. There is speculation that it may be in St. Patrick’s own hand.
Celtic scholars, historians, and religious scholars are excited by information translated from the original Celt that purports to support what up to now has been considered a religious myth: St. Patrick’s driving the serpents out of Ireland.
Celtic language experts say St. Patrick writes that God revealed how to drive the serpents from the land in a vision. St. Patrick ends his narrative by quoting what God said to him in the vision.
“Pat! Trust me, it taste just like chicken.”
When questioned, the Vatican had no comment.

11.
Irish toast
May you be in heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you are dead.

12.
The devil you say
As the Irishman said to William Wallace in “Braveheart”—“The Lord told me he could get me out of this one but he said you’re fucked!”

13.
A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.
The Texan says : “Takes me a whole goddam day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other.”
The Kerry farmer says:”Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too.”

14.
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word ‘manana’. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means “maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?” The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. “No. In Ireland we don’t have a word to describe that degree of urgency.”, replied Brennan.

15.
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, “where were you?”.
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; “look son, look what I’m after making”.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “what is it?”
God replied, “it’s another planet but I’m after putting LIFE on it. I’ve named it Earth and there’s going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there’s North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and south America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them – that’s going to be a hot spot. Now look over
here. I’ve put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south. And then the archangel said, “and what’s that green dot there?”. And God said “ahhh that’s the Emerald Isle – that’s a very special place. That’s going to be the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful Mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line. These people here are going to be great craic and they’re going to be found traveling the world. They’ll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I’m going to give them this black liquid which they’re going to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe. Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: “Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance..
God replied wisely. “Wait until you see the neighbours I’m going to give them”

16.
What a Priest!
One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.
“What’s wrong with you?” said the priest.
“Well,” said the frog, “the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn’t always a frog.”
“Really!” said the priest. “Can you explain!”
“Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. ‘Let me pass!’ I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you.”
“That’s an incredible story” said the priest. “Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?.”
“Yes” said the frog, “It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmt and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again.”
“Today’s your lucky day!” said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,
“And that my lord is the case for the Defense….... “

17.
Paddy Adair
It was the end of the Gulf war. The Arabs stared over at the Oil Fields and watched them burning. Day and Night the Flames roared into the sky. The Arabs pondered on how they were going to put out the fires when one Arab suggested that they ring ‘Red O Dare’. Red O Dare was contacted but informed the Arabs that he was busy for the next six months. Red O Dare told the Arabs that they should ring his cousin Paddy O Dare from Co Mayo in Ireland.
The Arab got on the phone and contacted Paddy. The Arab explained the problem with the Oil Fields to Paddy and asked if he could help. Paddy Replied: “No Problem.” The Arab asked him how quick he could get there and how much would it cost?. Paddy Replied: “I can be there in 10 Hours and it’ll cost ya’ $10,000. “Great”; said the Arab and hung up the phone.
The Arabs waited in the Desert, still watching the flames shooting into the sky, when all of a sudden an open top truck with four Red Haired Paddy’s comes roaring over the Sand Dunes and heads straight into the oil field. The Arabs shouted to no avail, and the truck drove straight into one of the burning rigs. They jumped out, took off their Denim Jackets and proceeded to beat the fire out with them. The Arabs watched with amazement and two days later the OilRig Fire was Out. The four Paddy’s walked to the Arabs and one said….”Jazus..that was rough!”.
The Arab, while writing the check for $10,000, said to Paddy; “And what are you going to buy with all this money?. “Paddy Replied: “Well, the first thing I going to buy a set of brakes for that fucking truck!!”

18.
Irish Airline Pilot
(Setting the scene, Ballymun outside of Dublin has a reputation as a rough spot) Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EI109 from Madrid to Dublin the Plane encounters a serious problem with the Instrument landing systems. In a Fit of Panic, Paddy the Pilot turns to his co-Pilot and says. “Jazus Mick…Well have to turn back…none of the equipment is working!.” Mick says to Paddy; “No Problem…Sure I can tell where we are by sticking my hand out the Window!
“OK!” says Paddy, “Where are we then?”
Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; “Well Paddy, I reckon were over the Bay of Biscay. The humidity seems to be gone out of the air. This is caused by the seawater. Just Head North”
“Brilliant!” replies Paddy, and precedes north bound. Fifteen Minutes later Paddy asks: ” Where are we now Mick?”
Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; ” Were over the English Channel now. The air is much cooler here. Just head in a north easterly direction.”
Thirty minutes Later Paddy asks: ” Where are we now Mick?”
Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; “Were over the Ballymun flats. Quick…Bank left here and you should be on Course for Runway One. Paddy, Responds and 5 minutes later the plane lands safely on Runway One. Paddy turns to Mick and says: “That was Brilliant…But…Tell Me . How did you know we were over the Ballymun Flats”. “Well!” said Mick…When I pulled my hand back in.. My Watch was Gone!”

19.
Irish Mastermind Champion
Seamus O Brien had been hailed the most intelligent Irish man for three years running. He had topped such shows as Larry Gogans ‘Just a Minute Quiz’ and ‘Quicksilver’ (before Bunny Carrs demise). It was suggested by the Irish Mensa board that he should enter into the English Mastermind Championships. He Did, and won a place. On they evening of the competition, Seamus enters from the crowd and placed himself on the Leather Seat and made himself comfortable. The lights dimmed and a spot light pointed at his face.
Magnus said “Seamus, What Subject are you studying?.” Seamus responded, “Irish History”. Very well said magnus, Your first Question,
“In what year did the ‘Easter Rising take Place?’
Seamus resonds ..”Pass”
OK said Magnus, “Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?”,
Seamus Responds ..”Pass”
OK said Magnus, How long did the Easter Rising Last?”
Seamus Responds.. “Pass”
Instantly, a voice shout from the Crowd, “Good Man Seamus….Tell the English Nothing….”

20.
Irish Logic
One afternoon, Pat met Mick, whom he hadn’t seen for quiet some time. After chatting for a while, Pat asked Mick what he was doing with himself at the moment. Mick told Pat that he was Studying at University College in Dublin.
“Jazuz.” said Pat…”And what are you Studying?.”
“Logic” replied Mick.
“What’s Logic?” said Pat.
“Well!” said Mick….”Do You Have a GoldFish?” Pat: “I do!”
Mick: “So ..you probably have the Fish for your Kids!” Pat: “That’s Right!”
Mick: “So.. Having Kids means your probably married…!” Pat: “That’s Right!”
Mick: “So Being Married means you’re not a Homosexual!” Pat: “That’s Right!”
Mick Explains that it was Logic that allowed him to figure all that out. The Boys say Goodbye and head off in different directions.
An hour later, Pat meets his mate Shamey!. After a while Shamey asked Pat had he seen Mick around. Pat explains that he met Mick only an hour ago.Shamey said: “And what’s old Mick doing with Himself?”. Pat replies “He’s studying at the University”. Shamey: “And What’s He Studying?”.
Pat: “Logic!”
Shamey: “And What’s Logic?”
Pat: “Let me Explain….Do you have a GoldFish?”
Shamey: “I Do!”
Pat: “So you’re not a Homosexual then!!!!”

21.
Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay pedestrians”. Then he’d allow the traffic to pass. He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted “Pedestrians” for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”

22.
Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields. Murphy said, “Where are we now?” The guide said, “We’re in the great state of Texas.” “It’s a big place,” said Murphy. The guide said, “It’s so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it.” And Murphy said, “Yes, and wouldn’t it do wonders for Texas!”

23.
Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly damaged foot. The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man. “What happened to you, Paddy?” he asked.
“Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe…...” “But about your foot…..?” “This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bullock would eat good grass. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn’t. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug. The next night she came in and the girl hadn’t a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing.”
“What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?” asked the doctor impatiently.
“Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me
ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle.”

24.
Brendan Behan, late Irish author, was the soul of courtesy, but there were times when he could give back as good as he got. Brendan and a friend were emerging from the Long Hall in Dublin during the Christmas season, and Brendan had the misfortune to bump into a lady laden with parcels, the result being to scatter her parcels all over the pavement. Brendan promptly stooped to recover them from among the feet of the passers-by and restore them to her arms, but her ladyship’s temper was not satisfied.
“I’d have you know,” she declared angrily, “that my husband’s a detective, and, if he was here, he’d take ye!”
This was too much for Brendan, who after all had done his best. “Ma’am,” said he, “I don’t doubt it for a second. If he took you, he’d take anything.”

25.
Brendan Behan told the story of how he got a job in London with a street repair gang. The first job he went to they were down in a hole singing Happy Birthday around the foreman. “Is it the foreman’s birthday?” asked Brendan.
“No, Brendan. It’s the third anniversary of the hole.”

26.
An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, “The trouble is the carburetor.” He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, “It’s the carburetor that’s not working.” The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him.
Murphy said, “Well, don’t pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway.”

27.
The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. “Now don’t let me ever see your face again,” said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. “I’m afraid I can’t promise that, sir,” said the released man. “And why not?”
“Because I’m the barman at your regular pub!”

28.
GUINNESS, AND HERITAGE

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub
together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about
to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints,
and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as
if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the
beer, and started yelling, “SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!”

29.
CONFESSION
Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends.
One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess.
He went into the confession booth and told the Father, “Father, I have
sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me.”
The Father said, “Tell me who the lady was.”
The lad said he couldn’t do that and the Father said he couldn’t grant him
forgiveness unless he did.
“Was it Mollie O’Grady ?” asked the Father.”
“No.”
“Was it Rosie Kelly?”
“No.”
“Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O’Malley?”
“No.”
“Well then,” said the Father, “You’ll not be forgiven.”
When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, “So, did you find
forgiveness.”

“No,” said the other, “but I picked up three good prospects!”

30.
Q. What is Irish diplomacy?
A. It’s the ability to tell a man to go to hell.
So that he will look forward to making the trip

31.
Q. What is Irish and stays out all night ?
A. Patty O’Furniture (Michael O’Connell)

32.
When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don’t tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!

33.
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
“S’cuse me,” said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. “What was that all about?”
“Nothing,” said the Irishman, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”


34.
Two English ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London street corner near an Irish lady. “We’re planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year,” said one. “Oh you oughtn’t to do that,” said the other, “there are Irish there! It would be awful.” “Dear me!” said the first lady. “Well where are you going?” “Salisbury,” she replied. “But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish!” the first objected. At this point the Irish lady could no longer hold her tongue. “Why don’t ye go t’ hell,” she suggested. “There be no Irish there!”

35.
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
“Why of course,” comes the reply.

The first man then asks: “Where are you from?”

“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.

The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.”
“Of Course,” replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Ireland are you from?” “Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.”
“Of course,” replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?”
“Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man. “I graduated in ‘62.”

“This is unbelievable!” the first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ‘62, too!”
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender. “Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”


36.
Blackpool Paddy 24/5/97
Paddy is walking down the Blackpool prom one day and he sees a mother breast feeding her baby boy. Paddy stops to speak to the mother “That what I like to see natural breast-feeding, I was raised on that”.

The young mother tells Paddy to clear off. Paddy continues “No seriously I was raised on the stuff, look at me, tall, lots of muscles, and really fit, looking at the baby breast feeding takes me back to my childhood”, he pauses…., “can I try breast feeding on the other breast”.

The young mother says again “Get away with you Paddy”. Paddy says convincingly “You’ve got plenty of breast milk for baby, and he doesn’t need the other breast”. The young mother looks and Paddy and thinks, well he is good looking, fit and lots of muscle, “Come over here Paddy and you can get on the other breast”. Paddy being sucking on the other breast, after five minutes the young woman has become more relaxed and is starting to get aroused ,panting slightly, she lies back and whispers to Paddy “Paddy ….. is there anything else you want ?”

Paddy asks “err….have you got any Farleys Rusks”

37.
An IRA man shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes out to greet him. St. Peter takes one look and says “I don’t think you can get in here.The IRA man says”Who wants in? You’ve twenty minutes to get the *#!@ out! (Patrick Murphy Jnr)

38.
DRIVING IN IRELAND
A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he’sin need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, “Fill it up, will you?”. The man says “Sorry – we’re right out of petrol.” So the man considers, and says “Well, I’m a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?” And the attendant responds”Sorry, but no oil either.” The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can’t do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant “Just what kind of petrol station is this ?” The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man “To tell you the truth, this isjust an IRA front.”
The man then says “Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres !”

39.
Paddy was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn’t take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it’s a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the priest said, “Careful now, boys; mind ye don’t bump the gatepost again”

40.
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. “Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant. “She spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said the Finnegan.

41.
Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl’s house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn”t take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, “What’s that young fella doin’ here all hours of the night?” “Why, Dad, ” said Frances, “Michael was just telling me everything that’s in his heart!” “Well, next time, ” roared Phelan, “just let him tell you what’s in his head, and it won’t take half as long!”

42.
Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband’s obiturary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn’t it too bad about him passing away. She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, “Pete died.” The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he’d give her three more words at no charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: “Pete died. Boat for sale”

43.
Man runs out of a West Belfast pub with his arms on fire Police catch him and charge him with having an armalite.

44.
Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. “Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?” said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. “Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?” said the prison guard “Nothing” said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. “Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?” “Oh”, replied the Irishman, “I’ll take the German”.

45.
Pat and Mike were doing some street repairs in front of a known house of ill repute in Boston. A Jewish Rabbi came walking down the street, looked the left, looked to right, and ducked into the house. Pat paused a bit from swinging his pick and said “Mike…will you look at that! A man of the cloth, and going into a place like that in broad daylight!”. A bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and scurried into the house. Mike layed down his shovel, turned to Pat and said “Pat! Are you seeing what I’m seeing? A man of the Church, and he’s giving that place his custom!” Just then, a Catholic Priest came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and slipped into the bawdy house. Pat and Mike straightened up, removed their hats, and Mike says “Faith, and there must be somebody sick in there.”

46.
Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one pries says “Well, we’ve all worked together for many years, but don’t really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins.” They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first priest says “Since I suggested it, I’ll go first. With me it’s the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system.” They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts “Wellll…...with me, it’s gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system.” The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says “This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system.” They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn’t say anything. Then one of the four speaks up “Come now, we’ve all told our innermost faults. It’s your turn.” He looks at the others and starts hestitantly “Welllllll….. I’m an inveterate gossip, and I can’t wait to get off this train!”

47.
Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, “Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya’ don’t give up you’re drinkin’ and it’s to Hell I’ll take ye’”. Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, “Who the hell ARE you?”. Too that the Missus replied, “I’m the divil ya’ damned old fool”. To which Flaherty remarked, “Damned glad to meet you sir, I’m married to yer sister.”