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Microsoft Source Code Revealed!

Categories: Companies
Added: Thu May 23 06:00:00 +0000 2002Views: 4,990
Rating: - (0 votes)
Microsoft's Fix For EverythingMike Wallace Jokes >
Submitted by humor-source
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#include 
#include 
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{

if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
  if (there_are_still_bugs)
    market(bugfix);
  if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
    raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}

while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
  make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */
  if (rumours_grow_wilder)
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);

  if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
  {
    market_time=ripe;
    say("It will be ready in one month);
    order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
    order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
    order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
    vapourware=TRUE;
    break;
  }
}

switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
  case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
    say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
    break;
  case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
    say("Yes it will work");
    ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
    pretend(there_is_no_problem);
    break;
  case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
    say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to the 2 bits architecture");
    inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
    inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant 'cos all those customers will need at least2 megs");
    inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
    get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
    break;
  case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
    say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
    register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
    when(time_is_ripe)
    {
      arrest(journalist);
      brainwash(journalist);
      when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
      {
        order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
        release (journalist);
      }
    }
    break;
}

while (vapourware)
{
  introduction_date++; /* Delay */
  if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
    break;
  say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
}

release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
  bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
  release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
  introduce(more_memory_requirements);
  if (customers_report_installation_problems)
  {
    say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
    if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
    {
      ignore(customer);
      order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this bastard");
    }
  }

  if (there_is_another_company)
  {
    steal(their_ideas);
    accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
    hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
    wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
    buy_out(other_company);
  }
}

/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island);
hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone, for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);

void bugfix(void)
{
  charge (a_lot_of_money);
  if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
    say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
  if (still_complaints)
  {
    ignore(customer);
    register(customer, Big_Bill_Book);
    /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
  }
}

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Latest Comments
Poop Head
Oct 27, 08:52
Somebody must have passed out!
Please Stop Giving Me Tickets!
Aug 30, 05:30
Yeah, I'm sure that'll change the cop's mind.
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ha ha
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