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How To Be A Cultist

Categories: Religious
Added: Wed Aug 28 06:00:00 +0000 2002Views: 5,273
Rating: - (0 votes)
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Recently, the Society For Evil Overlords has noticed a regrettable
decline in the availability and quality of fanatical henchmen, evil
priests, and willing sacrificial victims. We wish to correct this growing
problem by submitting the following general guidelines for Cultists.

  1. Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the
    mark of the amateur.

  2. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practise the correct
    pronunciation of your deity’s name in the privacy of your
    own room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are
    often helpful.

  3. Never invoke anything bigger than your head.

  4. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight—
    it attracts unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen,
    various supernatural creatures, and can be downright
    dangerous during thunderstorms.

  5. Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot
    stress this enough. Pastel-colored candles in the shape of
    cute animals are like beacons to the Powers of Darkness.

  6. Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense,
    silver knife, Thuggee cord, service revolver, garlic,
    Yellow Sign, cabfare, condoms, and change.

  7. NEVER be the cultist that goes to rough up the hero(es).
    Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe, but going ‘round to
    beat up the good guys is a sure route to the bottom of the

  8. When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil
    Priest. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.

  9. Don’t gloat.

  10. If you can’t resist gloating, don’t reveal your plans.

  11. If you do gloat and reveal your plans, don’t leave the
    hero(es) to die slowly. They don’t.

  12. If you gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the hero(es)
    to die slowly, don’t have the audacity to look surprised
    when they turn up at the last moment to foil your evil plot.

  13. The hero (or heroes) will always show up at the last
    possible moment to foil your plans. With this in mind,
    start half an hour early— they hate that.

  14. Plan ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy
    to run in while still affording ample concealment.

  15. Never screw anything whose genetic structure you are not
    absolutely comfortable with.

  16. Never admit to screwing anything whose genetic structure
    you are not absolutely comfortable with.

  17. When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE
    YOUR EYES. Thousands of cultists could be saved every year
    if they’d just remember this simple safety tip.

  18. When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.

  19. During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is
    now generally considered “bad form.”

  20. Blood tests are now required for all sacrificial victims
    before the ritual. The effects of HIV+ offerings on the
    average malefic deity have never been witnessed by anyone
    living, or even intact.

  21. Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do
    not mix. When the shit comes down, it is vitally necessary
    to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to
    throw the holy water on and the gibbering monstrosity that
    will fade away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a good
    hot bath.

  22. Never play strip Tarot.

  23. Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in
    nature can stand against one who is true to his faith, his
    God, and his own soul. However, it is also true that the
    Gods tend to side with the heaviest artillery, so be
    prepared change sides at the drop of a hat.

  24. For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is
    just not feasible (or even possible), the lower ranks of
    demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously-frozen
    chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a
    mock victim sculpted from Spam™ is right out.

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Latest Comments
Poop Head
Oct 27, 08:52
Somebody must have passed out!
Please Stop Giving Me Tickets!
Aug 30, 05:30
Yeah, I'm sure that'll change the cop's mind.
Boredom at Walmart
Jun 8, 16:48
ha ha

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