Dear
___,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was
exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as
yourself also failed to make the final cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors,
please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified
from the competition:
(Check those that apply)
1. _ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it,
hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
2. _ Your first name is objectionable. It’s just not something I can
picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
3. _ The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY
wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
4. _ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload”
indicates that you may be interested in me for something
other than my personality.
5. _ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions
about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
6. _ Your constant emailing, shows me you have TOO much time on your
hands!
7. _ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants,
then you can’t GET into my pants.
8. _ You’re too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be
beaten up repeatedly at recess.
9. _ You’re too tall. I’m developing a chronic neck condition from
trying to kiss you.
10. _ You have a hairy back.
11. _ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
12. _ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an
inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
13. _ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in
conversation.
14. _ You still live with your parents.
15. _ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star
Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
16. _ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to
suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
17. _ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am
seeking in a long term partner.
18. _ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should,
however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please
resubmit your application.
19. _ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag
were really necessary for a successful business trip.
20. _ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely, _____
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