Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with
horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from
recycled materials.
Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.
Bite-the Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with
pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and
the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.
Blue-Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective
goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union
organising and pay scales for women as compared to men.
Waitressing outfits and cashier’s aprons may be purchased
separately for Barbies holding down two jobs in order to
make ends meet.
Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct Barbie, both
inside and out; comes with spreadable legs, her own
speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of
female anatomy so that little girls can learn about their
bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way. Also includes
tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility. Accessories
such as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus with
foetuses at various stages of development and breast pump
are all optional, underscoring that each young woman has
the right to do what she chooses with her own Barbie.
Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the
cutting edge of Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny
yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup,
Torah scrolls. Options include a tiny mezzuzah for
doorway of Barbie townhouse. Accessories include garb
suitable for most Christian and eastern faiths. So why
not already?
Homegirl Barbie: A Truly fly Barbie in midriff-baring
shirt and baggy jeans. complete with gold jewellery,
hip-hop accessories and plenty of attitude. Pull cord
and she says things like “I don’t THINK so!”, “Dang, get
outta my face” and “you GO girl!” Teaches girls not to
take shit from men and condescending White people.
Transvestite Barbie: Basically this is Ken, but dressed
in clothes that Barbie would normally wear.
Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe
Robotic Barbie: Hey kids! Experiment with an autonomous
two-legged walking machine! After falling over, she says
“Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!”
Bondage Barbie: Barbie & Ken do S&M!, Yes, this Barbie
comes complete with rope, chains, arm-binders, leg-binders,
ball-gags, etc, etc. Everything you could possibly need
for Barbie and Ken to take part in anything S&M related.
Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles,
double chin, a real curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to
show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes
with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket-O’-Fried
Chicken, tiny Entenmann’s walnut coffee ring, a brick of
Sealtest Ice cream, three bags of potato chips, a t-shirt
reading “Only the Weak Don’t Eat” and, of course, an
appetite.
In related news…
The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers
of “Baywatch” have joined forces to create Baywatch
Barbie comes as no surprise to most women. After all,
both companies have made millions off airheads with
flawless skins, Malibu tans and synthetic breasts.
If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins
seem certain to follow. Some possibilities include…
Melrose Place Barbie: Comes with her own Barbie Dream
Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live
rent-free. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka,
silk sheets, and an arrest warrant.
Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers
other homesteaders important tips like what conditioner
to use on the Plains, and how to take care of one’s nails
while shoeing a horse.
America’s Most-Wanted Barbie: She’s on the run after 30
years of crimes against feminism!
Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and she actually
speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like how
tough math class really is, Ballerina barbie’s struggle
with bulimia, Kens who wear Barbie’s clothes.
My So-called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues
as teens who don’t have huge wardrobes, perfect bods,
pools, ponies and boyfriends.
Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American Dream
is explored with this doll, which shows what happens
after Barbie graduated from high school, married too
young and ate too much.
Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman
of the Barbie set (she’s 27!) arrives in the playhouse,
all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.
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