December 14
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real
Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
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December 15
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine
two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful
gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
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December 16
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling
but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
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December 17
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they
are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are
being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
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December 18
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings,
one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my
nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
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December 19
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese
laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours
are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
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December 20
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming.
What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the
house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and
I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
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December 21
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8
maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids
a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure
all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off
me, smartass.
Agnes
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December 22
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.
What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to
evict me.
You'll get yours !
Agnes
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December 23
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call
those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long.
Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhoea. My living room is
a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to
give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes
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December 24
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and
ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers
ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows.
All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to
death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious
swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
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December 25
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers
fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client,
Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total.
All correspondence should come to our attention.
If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanatorium,
the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your
arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of
Badger, Bender and Chole
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