16. The big red stamp on your drug test results reads: “Houston, we have
a problem.”
15. Under “Notify in Case of Emergency” on the application form, you put
“Osama bin Laden.”
14. Your nasty little emotional outburst upon discovering “as much Tang
as you want” referred to a beverage.
13. While your colleagues have modeled their careers after Alan
Shepherd, graduating from the Airforce academy and logging hundreds of
hours in experimental aircraft, you’ve chosen to emulate Ham the Chimp
by throwing feces at your NASA instructor.
12. You boldly suggest an experiment on the effects of Zero-G on Hooters
waitresses.
11. Starfleet Commander Zoltan’s personal referral on the Pizza Hut
letterhead didn’t carry as much weight as you’d hoped.
10. You express concern that outer space will have ridiculous roaming
charges.
9. The other candidates, sucking up to the panel of psychologists,
pretend they are not going up there to “hock a loogie” on France.
8. According to your Kansas public school system, space flight is only a
theory.
7. During preliminary training, you were cited several times for
“disturbingly inappropriate use of the vacuum toilets.”
6. Everyone got quiet when you expressed your desire to jump the shuttle
over Old Man Johnson’s Pond.
5. Your timing’s off in training because during countdowns Houston keeps
skipping KWATZ, your secret integer between SIX and FIVE.
4. They’ve noticed you “achieve liftoff” every time that Sally Ride
chick floats by in the training videos.
3. People start thinking that maybe a prissy, unmarried guy shouldn’t be
spending so much time with young Will Robinson.
2. Instead of being an Ohio Senator who piloted the Mercury-Atlas rocket
into outer space in 1962, you’re a Massachusetts Senator who piloted his
1969 Oldsmobile into the depths of Chappaquiddick Sound.
1. The pointy tips of your surgically-altered ears still bleed at high
altitudes.
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