What Moms Really Want For Mother's Day

10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a Coke without any “floaters.”

9. To have my 14-year-old answer a question without rolling her eyes in that “Why is this person my mother?” way.

8. Five pounds of chocolate that won’t add twenty.

7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a “Hi ya, Mom!” just as I put razor to my ankle.

6. A full-time cleaning person who looks like Brad Pitt.

5. For my teenager to announce, “Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!”

4. A grocery store that doesn’t have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.

3. To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions.

2. To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and not have some pencil-neck-yuppie-geek moan, “Oh, no! Why me?”

1. Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison