Unappreciated Mother's Day Gifts

15. Tickets to Jerry Springer, for topic “Moms With Big Asses”

14. “It’s a vacuum cleaner! It’s a riding mower! And when the chores are done, it’s a marital aid!”

13. Blind date with Jack Kevorkian

12. “Laxatives-Of-The-World” gift set

11. Coupon for a “Moms Kick Ass!” tattoo

10. Stepdad’s head in a box, regardless of how beautifully it’s wrapped

9. The dead bird you brought home in your mouth and tenderly laid at her feet

8. Too bad she learned of the operation on national TV, but now she’s got the daughter she always wanted!

7. That handprint in plaster kind of loses it’s magic when you’re thirty.

6. From the makers of Spam: Spigeon

5. Al Franken’s new book, “Oedipus Rex Is A Big Fat Idiot”

4. The “Learn To Cook Before You Kill Us All!” Cookbook

3. Pee-Wee Herman lotion dispenser

2. Leather bound copy of “The Wisdom of Lizzie Borden”

1. Hallmark Snoop Doggy Dogg card: “Mother—Half of my favorite word in the English language!”