“John Kerry raised all of that money and bought himself an airplane, campaign plane, for $10 million. Ralph Nader, not to be outdone, is having himself shipped across the country in a crate.” —David Letterman
“John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a ‘charisma black hole.’” —Jay Leno
“Earlier today, John Kerry had a meeting with independent candidate Ralph Nader. Afterwards, Kerry said ‘The meeting didn’t go as well as I had hoped, because my gun jammed.’” —Conan O’Brien
“You ever take a good look at Ralph Nader? Don’t you think he looks like Kerry if you left him in the dryer for couple of days?” —Jay Leno
“Ralph Nader has called for President Bush to be impeached for deceiving the American people about the war in Iraq. Ralph Nader wants Bush impeached? Hey Ralph Nader got him elected in the first place. If it wasn’t for Ralph Nader we wouldn’t have this problem!” —Jay Leno
“Consumer activist Ralph Nader announced he would run for president. When he heard about it, Dennis Kucinich was furious and said, ’He’s going to steal my voter away.’” —Conan O’Brien
“Ralph Nader announced he’s running for president after a new poll found he’d get .5% of the vote. Nader’s slogan: ‘Eat my dust Kucinich.’” —Craig Kilborn
“You know your candidacy is marginal when the Green Party thinks you’re too out there.” —Jon Stewart, on Ralph Nader’s decision to run for president as an independent.
“‘Conservatives for Nader.’ Not a large group. About the same size as ‘Retarded Death Row Texans for Bush.’” —Jon Stewart, on Nader’s claim that conservatives who are furious with Bush will back his candidacy.
“On tomorrow’s ‘Meet the Press’ Green Party leader Ralph Nader will announce whether he will sit out the 2004 election or enter the race and cause George Bush to win by three votes. I think I speak for a lot of people when I say stay home Nerd, you’re the reason we’re in this K hole to begin with.” —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update”
“Ralph Nader says he is testing the water and hasn’t decided on whether he’ll run for president in 2004. Actually, he doesn’t really need to run because I think the Democrats feel they can lose without him this time.” —Jay Leno
“Apparently Ralph Nader has a new slogan — ‘You won’t ever have to worry about me getting laid in the Oval Office.’” —Craig Kilborn
“Ralph Nader is so serious running for president this time, he’s actually thinking about pressing his suit.” —Jay Leno
“Nader says he is launching a campaign based on the Internet. Well, that certainly worked out well for Howard Dean, didn’t it?” —Jay Leno
“A big weekend for the candidates. President Bush highlighted his foreign policy, and then John Kerry emphasized his war record, and then Ralph Nader bragged about an article he wrote on toasters that explode.” —Craig Kilborn