“John Kerry suspended his campaign for five days this week in honor of President Reagan. And right now, he’s ahead in the polls. How’s that make him feel? Disappears for a week and he’s up in the polls. What else can he do now but go into hiding.” —Jay Leno
“Shrek 2’ made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him.” —Conan O’Brien
“John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke.” —Jay Leno
“This is so weird. I saw the new John Kerry campaign commercial and he says, ’I’m John Kerry and I approve of this message — if I have one.’” —Craig Kilborn
“John Kerry speaks French, but he tries to avoid it. So, if a reporter asks him questions in French he’ll pretend like he doesn’t understand. Bush, on the other hand, has the same problem with English.” —David Letterman
“John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke.” —Jay Leno
“John Kerry said a vote for Ralph Nader is a vote for George Bush. Bush said, “I’m voting for Ralph Nader!” —Jay Leno
“John Kerry raised all of that money and bought himself an airplane, campaign plane, for $10 million. Ralph Nader, not to be outdone, is having himself shipped across the country in a crate.” —David Letterman
“John Kerry has a new 757 jet to use while he campaigns for president. In the event that Kerry starts speaking, oxygen masks fall from the ceiling to keep people awake.” —Jay Leno
“John Kerry met with Ralph Nader Wednesday in a closed door meeting. It wasn’t a secret meeting, it was just so boring the press closed the door.” —Jay Leno
“John Kerry told the press he is not asking Ralph Nader to drop out of the race and today President Bush said, ‘Hey me neither.’” —Jay Leno
“Nader actually said we have very serious differences with John Kerry. What’s with the ‘we’? Don’t you have to have at least one supporter to be a ‘we’?” —Jay Leno
“John Kerry and Ralph Nader together, you know if they could have just gotten Al Gore to show up they would have had the lifeless white guy trifecta.” —Jay Leno
“John Kerry said today he wants to debate President Bush once a month. Hey good luck, if Bush couldn’t make it to the National Guard once a month, he’s not going to show up for this.” —Jay Leno
“Kerry’s said all these foreign leaders said they want him to win, but Kerry hasn’t even been out of the country in a year and a half, which means the only possible foreign leader he could have met with is Arnold Schwarzenegger.” —Jay Leno
“John Kerry is claiming that leaders of other countries have told him they hope he defeats President Bush in November. President Bush is now challenging John Kerry to name those foreign leaders. That’s a first, Bush challenging anyone to name a foreign leader.” —Jay Leno
“John Kerry said that a lot of world leaders want him to be the president and the Bush administration said, ‘Yeah, well, like who?’ and John Kerry said, ‘Well, I can’t say really.’ So, now they’re really hammering John Kerry and listen to this, the only name he could come up with? Queen Latifah.” —David Letterman
“John Kerry is busy trying to raise money right now for his campaign. It was reported today that Kerry’s hoping to raise $80 million before the Democratic convention. That’s a lot of money. Yeah, Kerry has two ways to raise the $80 million: soliciting Democratic donors and going through his wife’s purse.” —Conan O’Brien
“John Kerry says that he wants to debate President Bush once a month until the election. This could be a risky move for Senator Kerry. If Bush doesn’t show up for the debates, John Kerry may end up debating an empty chair. And that could be pretty much a toss up as to which one has the better personality.” — Jay Leno
“John Kerry met with Al Sharpton. Can you see the two of them standing together? It’d look like Abe Lincoln with Ruben from American Idol.” —Jay Leno
“Of course, it is still eight months to election day, but the campaign is starting to fall into its own natural rhythm: falsely macho Kerry comment, falsely indignant Bush response.” —Jon Stewart
“John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can’t name the foreign leaders. That’s all right, President Bush can’t name them either.” —David Letterman
“John Kerry made a mistake of saying something embarrassing while a microphone was on. And now he’s been backpedaling. So now he’s hired a guy and his sole job is to make sure John Kerry’s microphone is off. It’s the same guy that used to watch Clinton’s fly.” —David Letterman
“John Kerry announced that he and his wife are leaving on a week-long vacation. He’s going to take her back to the place where he first proposed to her — at her bank.” —Jay Leno
“John Kerry said today that he stands by … his claim that certain foreign leaders have told him that they hope he wins. And George Bush fired back. He said oh yeah, certain Supreme Court justices have told me that I’m going to win.” —Jay Leno
“The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why — with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.” —Jay Leno
“At a speech yesterday at the Reagan Library, Dick Cheney says John Kerry doesn’t have the judgment to be president. And Cheney’s seen firsthand what can happen when a guy doesn’t have the judgment to be president.” —Jay Leno
“Please, John Kerry, stop rolling up your sleeves like you’re about to man a register at Costco. You’re a Boston Brahmin who married not one, but two eccentric heiresses. You’re not Joe Sixpack; you’re Claus
Von Bulow.” —Bill Maher
“As you know, John Kerry has a purple heart from Vietnam. Hey big deal, Dick Cheney has a purple heart from deep dish pizza.” —Jay Leno
“In a speech yesterday John Kerry said that before November he may go to Iraq. Is that a good idea for him to go to Iraq? You thought Bush didn’t have a reason to bomb Iraq before.” —Jay Leno
“John Kerry speaks French fluently. Democrats are saying he’s one in a million. A war hero who speaks French, isn’t it more like one in a trillion?” —Jay Leno
“Remember last week when John Kerry wanted to be the second black president since Clinton was considered the first black president. A civil rights leader has come forward and asked him to apologize. He says Kerry is a white man born to privilege and says he has no idea what the black experience is like. Today Kerry said, ‘Yo chill out brother, why you dissin’ me like that?’” —Jay Leno
John Kerry described his Republican critics as ‘the most crooked, lying group I’ve ever seen.’ Now, that’s saying something, because Kerry’s both a lawyer and a politician." —Jay Leno
“John Kerry said today he may send his own fact-finding mission to Iraq and Bush said, hey, look, if you find any weapons of mass destruction, I’ll pay you for them.” —Jay Leno
“John Kerry was in Florida this week, reaching out and talking with elderly voters. You know, I think it made Kerry a little uncomfortable to be with these elderly people. He finally got a chance to see what he’d look like without Botox.” —Jay Leno
“In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the ‘economy of privilege.’ Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune.” —Jay Leno
“A number of plastic surgeons are claiming that looking at John Kerry now, as opposed to a few months ago, they believe he’s had Botox shots. They claim a number of his worry lines have vanished. They haven’t vanished, just Howard Dean is wearing them now.” —Jay Leno
“John Kerry is finding out that it is no fun to be the front runner, that’s when you get all the heat. He had to deny internet rumors this week that he had Botox treatments. The Republicans say Kerry should have a clear, unfurrowed brow the old fashioned way by not giving a sh—.” —Bill Maher
“Senator John Kerry won the primaries last night. In fact, in the rural areas, he got over 67 percent of the mullet vote.” —Jay Leno
“They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he’s going after the wealthy in this country, he’s not just talking. He’s doing it!” —Jay Leno
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